When And How To Part With A Loved One’s Things

I kept our sheets for years…They were the only thing I had left that still held his scent. At first I slept with them refusing to ever wash them. (I can still feel that pang of when I finally did.) But even after having changed bed sizes, I was still unable to let them go. And so, I folded them up and tucked them away for safe keeping.

Every time I added something to a donation pile, I felt as though I was losing him over and over and again; the last of his presence leaving my life. And though we hadn’t had a lot of furniture (we had lived in a small cabin), what we did have, I kept and ferociously protected like a mother bear. But being forced to move over and over, I only ever had two options: downsize and part with most of our belongings. Or rent a storage unit that would cost me another $125.00 a month, as I was only able to afford renting rooms out of people’s houses.

I opted for the storage unit.

Five times.

I didn’t have the heart to part with anymore. I had already lost him, I refused to lose anything else.

But after years of moving, and unpacking, deciding what to bring and what to store, I was exhausted. And when I finally began to date again, another problem arose. How was I supposed to integrate my past with my present and create a future where this new partner didn’t feel as though he were the third wheel or competing with a dead person?

The answer was quite clear. I had to let go…

I had to let go of the past….

And since you’re reading this article, I’m guessing you do too.

So, what helped me? How was I able part with my deceased partners things and in a way that was healthy, and how can you do the same? Well, here’s what I learned through that journey.

Realize that the loss has already happened. When I began parting with things, I would hesitate a lot. It hurt. I felt like I was throwing him away in pieces. But when I stopped and really thought about it, I realized this was impossible. How could I lose him anymore than I already had? I couldn’t. This made the process digestible for me. I was able to slowly go through stuff and let go of what I was comfortable with letting go of. I didn’t force myself to toss what I wanted to keep, nor did I make myself keep things I didn’t need. After loss, we must learn how to separate being practical from being emotional. It’s not practical to keep every single item someone owned. Nor does it mean our love stops when we part with their things either.

Understand this is a process. It’s not something that is going to happen overnight. It can take months, even years, before you feel ready to sort through things. And that’s okay. There is no right or wrong way to do this, and everyone reaches this threshold in their own time. So please, be patient with yourself.

Others may not agree or understand your reasoning for doing so. This can especially be the case when children are involved or where you are sharing a living space. You may feel ready to part with items, and that is fine. But just keep in mind that this choice; especially the visual aspect of moving things or no longer having them around, can anger those who are not ready for that step. Make sure to be mindful of where others are at and have a talk before doing anything drastic. Boxing things up and putting them away could be a happy medium for all involved. The key is being delicate and acknowledging that everyone grieves differently.

Understand that keeping a loved one’s things can be a double-edged sword. Keeping their memory alive and holding onto what they loved can be a healing and a positive thing. But it can also make parting with belongings more difficult. The refusal to part with anything and thus creating a shrine so to speak, will do more harm than good in the long run. Things get old, they break, they take up space. This is just a part of life and happens with our belongings as much as anyone else’s. So, at some point, we are going to have to part with stuff. If you or a family member is having a very difficult time with this and it’s becoming unhealthy, talk with someone about it. Again, maybe boxing things but not parting with them per say will act as a starting point. Maybe giving away certain things but not others will suffice. We need to want to move forward, and if we can do that, then the rest will naturally fall into place with time.

Baby steps are actually big steps. Truth be told, it takes courage to undergo this process because each time we let something go, we are reliving that death in a way. Over time, however, you will find that letting go of things becomes easier. That initial sting as if you are throwing them away will ease and you will come to see that it isn’t what they had that keeps them alive, but the memories created, and love shared that does.

What you keep and what you let go of will change. At first, I couldn’t let go of anything. Even random papers and stained clothes. But slowly, little by little, I was able to begin the process of sorting through what I wanted to keep and what I was okay with letting go of. Eventually, though it took close to five years, I was able to give away our furniture, then our décor, and even some artwork that I swore I would never let go of. Being surrounded by those things had made me feel good for a long time. But over time, they began to feel stifling. I was only keeping them because they made me think of him. My style had changed, I was in a new relationship, I didn’t really have any other reason to hold onto them. So, one afternoon I just decided I was going to make a free pile. I’m not going to lie, I did have mixed emotions watching people pack our things into their cars, even eleven years later. But I felt like I had ripped a band aid off, and I felt my energy lift. I was also happy that someone else would be enjoying those things too.

And lastly, accept that there are some things you just aren’t going to part with. Ever. No matter who or what comes into your life. And that is great. It’s great because it means you have gotten to a place where you have healed enough where you are able to move forward while also having created boundaries as to what you are not willing to let go of. For me, that’s our book collection and our hiking packs. I have parted with almost everything else, but I’ve chosen to keep those items because they mean the most to me, and because I can also still partake in them. I’m no longer haunted by the past and holding onto every little thing he had and that we acquired. I’ve learned how to let go of things without “letting go of him,” and merge the past with the present and weave it into my future in a way that’s healthy.

Again, patience. It takes patience to reach that threshold in the first place, self-compassion while you’re amid it, and a whole lot of grit to get to the other side. But I know you can do it.